I sit here with my beautiful son Tucker with tears running down my face. Why can't I just be thankful for what I got? My every thought is consumed by Gabby, what she looked like, things she said, funny stories, her smile that could light up a room...I just want her back. I want to go back when it was the four of us. Things weren't perfect but as close as you can get. I know bad things happen everyday but this is just not fair! I know what you are going to say "no one said life was fair". But right now, I just want her back. Take everything I own and leave me with Shane, Gabby, and Tucker, and I will never complain again.
Our journey to have a baby began in 1999. Everyone grows up taking fertility as a given...well its not. I know people who have planned what month they want their child to be born and boom it happens. For some of us, it's not that easy. So after three surgeries for endometriosis and three in vitro fertilizations...we decided to adopt. This turned out to be the best decision of our lives. What a blessing our kids have been to us....we adore them. So many people say "what a great thing you did for these two childen. They are so blessed to have you". My response is always..."No what we did was pretty selfish....we wanted a family and we are the ones that are blessed."
I know I sound bitter over infertility but I am not. As soon as Gabby was placed in our arms, all the pain went away. Over the years, I actually began to treat infertility as a blessing. I had the most wonderful two kids on the planet in my eyes...wow....I wish more people could experience what I have....and see what a blessing we have been given!
So, why did it last only 8 years? No one will ever be able to answer this for me...at least not hear on earth. I long every second of every day to see her again...hear her voice...give her the biggest hug and kiss...I miss her so much.
I love Tucker dearly also and I have a wonderful husband....why can't that be enough?....I have right now what some people never have. Plus I had 8 years of wonderful with Gabby...something that some never have. So why is that not enough?
So many have said...how great my faith is...I wish it was. I have to work everyday to make it stronger and stronger. Because without faith...I have no hope.
I cling to these verses in hopes that the past 8 years was a mere taste of what life in eternity will be like....how I long for that day. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know I have plans for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, and not harm you, plans to give you hope, and a future."
The picture above was the last family picture that was taken. It was from Gabby's 8th birthday June 4, 2011.