Saturday, September 3, 2011

I wanna go back....

I sit here with my beautiful son Tucker with tears running down my face. Why can't I just be thankful for what I got? My every thought is consumed by Gabby, what she looked like, things she said, funny stories, her smile that could light up a room...I just want her back. I want to go back when it was the four of us. Things weren't perfect but as close as you can get. I know bad things happen everyday but this is just not fair! I know what you are going to say "no one said life was fair". But right now, I just want her back. Take everything I own and leave me with Shane, Gabby, and Tucker, and I will never complain again.

Our journey to have a baby began in 1999. Everyone grows up taking fertility as a given...well its not. I know people who have planned what month they want their child to be born and boom it happens. For some of us, it's not that easy. So after three surgeries for endometriosis and three in vitro fertilizations...we decided to adopt. This turned out to be the best decision of our lives. What a blessing our kids have been to us....we adore them. So many people say "what a great thing you did for these two childen. They are so blessed to have you". My response is always..."No what we did was pretty selfish....we wanted a family and we are the ones that are blessed."

I know I sound bitter over infertility but I am not. As soon as Gabby was placed in our arms, all the pain went away. Over the years, I actually began to treat infertility as a blessing. I had the most wonderful two kids on the planet in my wish more people could experience what I have....and see what a blessing we have been given!

So, why did it last only 8 years? No one will ever be able to answer this for least not hear on earth. I long every second of every day to see her again...hear her voice...give her the biggest hug and kiss...I miss her so much.

I love Tucker dearly also and I have a wonderful husband....why can't that be enough?....I have right now what some people never have. Plus I had 8 years of wonderful with Gabby...something that some never have. So why is that not enough?

So many have great my faith is...I wish it was. I have to work everyday to make it stronger and stronger. Because without faith...I have no hope.

I cling to these verses in hopes that the past 8 years was a mere taste of what life in eternity will be I long for that day. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know I have plans for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, and not harm you, plans to give you hope, and a future."

The picture above was the last family picture that was taken. It was from Gabby's 8th birthday June 4, 2011.


  1. Hi Becky ~

    I think it's not enough because you know what you had, versus never knowing.

    I am so sorry you can't go back, and are forced to move forward in this reality that looks nothing like you could ever have envisioned for yourself, and your family.

    I always thought infertility, and the adoption process was my cross to bear. I thought, phew...okay that was pretty bad. I guess I was naive to believe that was enough to last a lifetime.

    I struggle most with all of the other things that may be the natural progression of life, but this does not fit into the natural progression. There is nothing natural about it. So, now I am left with knowing I will probably still have to go through all of that, AND somehow deal with this too??? How does one do that? I guess we just do...whether we want to or not...we have no choice. That's the choice. I feel with every step of my life...there were choices, options. Infertility...ok, adoption. Choices. With this...NONE ;o(

    My love to you Becky.

  2. You have every right to want more than 8 years. You deserve more than 8 years. You are and will always grieve what you lost. I wish I had the words that would suddenly make this better. But, know this. You are a reminder to me every day to ask for that extra hug, take that extra minute, hold onto that little moment and snap pictures of each and every moment. Life is precious, and it is short. God has a plan, and I hope that one day he will tell you that plan somehow, someway so that you can have some peace.

  3. There are so many things that we deem "normal" and measuring up to those "normal" things can cause more heartache than we should have to bare but yet they are there. All events from birth set us on a path He has chosen for us knowing our capacity for love, loss and growth. You are right about our souls. Our souls are something He gave us that lets us know there is "something more"! I know that there is "something more" and pray for everyone to to experience that "something more". Know that you experienced the most He had planned for Gabby and that you were chosen to be her Mom for the time. Gabby's smiling face tells me she knew she was loved immensely and proudly displayed her gratitude. What an awesome gift He gave to her and you!
    Love to you Becky and your family.
    Your Adoption Friend,
    Shirl Braswell - Birmingham, AL