Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Where I find comfort...

Although comfort and peace comes and goes, I felt that I should write it down so that when it "goes" I can read this to help me remember again. So many have let us borrow and bought books for us. I have started reading several. As I read, I keep trying to figure out why this happened. Although I never will be able to understand, I do have a greater picture of life on earth as well as eternity. I understand way more deeply the Bible and its teaching than ever before. Before I was reading about others struggles and I am reflecting it on my own tragedy. Before parts of the Bible didn't make sense to me....I never understood how I could read a few verses and not get much from it but a preacher could preach for days on those same verses.

We get so caught up in the day to day activities. And if we are not busy with that, we are busy trying to "plan" our future. While all those need to be done and you do need to have plans, I feel that we, as a society, spend way too much time worrying about things that don't really matter...including myself. I know you have heard this a million times....but until something like what I have experienced happens to you, it might never sink in. You might agree with it but you never intend to change your ways. You still keep running from one thing to the next. Planning holidays, vacations, parties, etc. But now my thoughts have shifted. I am now much more concerned about eternity as you can understand why. I have much more faith (at times) in God and Jesus Christ than ever before. I have much more understanding of what he did for us...and the love he has and the sacrifices that were made....for all of us. I understand the pain from the death of a child. I don't understand the pain from the death of a child who never sinned, who was 100% pure, who died a horribly painful death, and who could have stopped it from happening but didn't. But God knows.

Some may wonder how I can continue to have faith and belief in God. I still have faith that God is good and has a plan for our lives. I have never lived by life totally for God....I had my own plans and often didn't include God in directing that path. But from now on, I will ask him every step of the way....where ever he leads I will follow. All I can say is, I do believe. There are those who believe that we were created out of nothing with no higher power. I know that this can't be because we have souls, we feel pain deeply. A soul and feelings could not possibly been created from thin air or from dirt without a higher power breathing life into us. It's just not possible. God not only gave us life but also provided us a way to have everlasting life with him....without pain, sin or suffering if we just believe. I believe that God gave us the most precious thing to us...his perfect son, Jesus Christ. And then not only did he give him to us, he allowed sinful humans who he created to brutally murder him. Did he do that because he was just mean...No. He did it for me and for you. This truly was the ultimate sacrifice. There is nothing else that could match I finally understand why. And even though Jesus said "why hath thou forsaken me", he would do it again. He knew he had to for us. And from what I understand this statement from Jesus was for our was to let us know that the Old Testament prophecy had been fulfilled (Psalms 22:1). But I also feel that is was to make us know that it is OK to question God. But in the end, we have to trust him that he has a plan for us.

I have also been asked how I can share so openly with my feelings. I guess I am use to it, just not quite this public :) I have so many friends who I have made during our stuggle to have a child and during the adoption process. Those who knew exactly what I was going through. So I am very use to pouring my heart out to people including those who I have never met but cherish their friendship deeply. It truly is part of my healing process.

I do have many struggles with Why God allowed this to happen to my daughter and to our family. But I must is all I got. Without faith in God, I have nothing. Life has no meaning. So I must trust Him! I love Gabby Goo with all my heart and I will just have to wait to see her again one day. Until then, I must make sure Tucker and Shane have the best life possible....and one day we will all be together again.


  1. Becky what a beautiful description of all that you are going through. And thanks to the fact that you are living it out publicly for all of us to see is a HUGE factor is impacting all of our lives and REMINDING us to STOP planning to and to start LIVING and cherishing our lives - and especially the moments we have with our children.

    I am glad that you are reading. I am glad that you are seeking help and comfort. Have you found a support group? A way to connect with others who have lost a child? Sometimes, those who have gone through the same horrific pain can help the most.

    Continuing to pray for you. Continuing to be thankful that your family has already given so much to so many of us out here.

  2. Becky,
    You said everything as perfect as He would have said it..."So I must trust Him! I love Gabby Goo with all my heart and I will just have to wait to see her again one day. Until then, I must make sure Tucker and Shane have the best life possible....and one day we will all be together again."
    I am waiting to see my grandmother again because I know I will. That gives me peace for now. Gabby is getting ready with others to welcome us all home!
    Bless you dear and may God keep you close to Him!
    Your Adoption Friend,
    Shirl Braswell - Birmingham, AL

  3. Becky,
    Your strength and faith are amazing! Those prayers are coming straight to you each and every day. You and your family are sealed in love from my family. Please let us help in any way we can. You have so many angels on earth holding your hand and walking through this with you. My Mom sends her love to Tucker. She enjoyed talking with him. God Bless Your Family

  4. Becky, what a heartfelt post....i have struggled with "planning for the future" and my husband constantly reminds me that the only plan there is for us is God's plan. I am glad that you are able to share your heart here about Gabby with all of us....i think of you so very often and pray that you and your family feel God's love surround you.