Sunday, September 11, 2011

My life is forever changed...

Calling this a life changing event would be an understatement. Life is full of disappointment but in most instances you have choices. Before Gabby, I've had things in my life, like everyone, that broke my heart. But in the end, everything worked out. And often times worked out for the better. I've been blessed by heartbreak many, many times.

I will never understand loosing Gabby. The pain I feel will never go away. And I don't want the pain to go away. If the pain went away, that could only mean that I was forgetting. And I will never forget my daughter. My love for her will grow even stronger. Material things here on earth will never seem very important. There are two things that are truly important. People and God. Are there things I want in life for the three of us?...Yes. Is it the most important thing to focus on?...No.

While good things will come from our tragedy, it doesn't help my heart. I just want her back period. All the good things that will come from this could have come without loosing Gabby. It is so frustrating because we have no choices. We can't go get her back. We didn't do anything that caused this. There is nothing we can do to change this.

I miss her so much....

  • I miss her unlimited hugs and kiss days

  • I miss her asking you to sit beside her cause she didn't like being alone

  • I miss her smile that lit up a room

  • I miss her laugh

  • I miss her voice including her whines

  • I miss her playing and fighting with Tucker

  • I miss her playing "rag doll" after bath time

  • I miss her saying "Pretend that..."

  • I miss her saying "ticket please" to enter the playroom

  • I miss her hiding the remote under the pillow

  • I miss her throwing her arms up and saying "Huggy"

  • I miss her art lessons...I will never improve my skills now!

  • I miss the gifts she made for us

  • I miss piggy back rides

  • I miss carrying her around even if my back hurt

  • I miss her sitting on my lap

  • I miss tea parties, working puzzles, playing with dolls/littlest pets, reading with her

  • I miss cooking with her

  • I miss taking her to Church, reading the Bible with her, and night time prayers

  • I miss taking her to tumbling, ballgames, school events

  • I miss seeing her play with her friends...she was loved by so many little girls

  • I miss her telling me "I will love you forever and ever Mommy"

I just miss her


  1. You humble me with every word you write. Grieve my friend. I am grieving with you. Take as much time as you need. Hug Tucker. God has provided a little helper to see you through to brighter days. Our children are loaned to us some shorter stays than others. You and your family gave Gabby the most wonderful times ever. Not a moment wasted. You could see the joy in her smile. She was a reflection of your heart. Go forth and keep reflecting for her.

  2. Dearest Becky, i don't understand loosing Gabby, either...i sometimes want to shout at the heavens and demand to know the 'whys'. I sometimes glance over at my daughter, thinking, "Memorize every single feature of this beautiful child"...because God has scared me. I know that is an immature way to think and that we are all of God's children, but still...

    Know that so many of us grieve with you, Becky. I can't imagine the hurt and the just plain missing Gabby that you are in the mist of. Hug Tucker. Hug your husband. Let your friends and family hug you back. And know that Gabby and God are hugging you, too.

    Much love, my friend...

  3. Hi Becky ~

    It was so nice to hear from you the other day! I think of you all the time. I left FB. I really thought I put all my ducks in a row. I never did statuses and left one for people to get in contact with me if they wanted, but then shortly thereafter (within hours) canceled my account. I thought that particular status would stay, but it didn't. Shows how little I know about FB : / In retrospect, I should have sent my status as a private message to my entire friend list....oh well!

    Anyway, I am so happy to hear from you. As I said, I think about you all the time and have been wanting to figure out how to get back in contact with you once the dust had settled with all things Avi.

    I read what you wrote on my blog and my first thought was that we all handle our grief in different ways, and honestly, from what I have seen ~ I think you are doing amazingly well for the HELL you have been dragged through thus far. And, the sucky part is ~ will be trudging through for the rest of your life, right? Ugh! It may not look like it, but I too retreat at times. I turn inward especially one week a month, if you know what I mean. That week wreaks havoc on my month...for the most part, and I escape. That's when all the truly downer posts come to play.

    How are you holding up? How is your family? I feel so out of the loop with how YOU are doing? My email address is I would love to hear from you anytime you want : )

    My love to you Becky!


  4. Thinking of you....EXTRA today Becky.

    ❤ ❤ ❤

  5. Hi Becky ~

    I just wanted you to know I think of you often. Sometimes, I just feel I want to come over here and tell you...

    ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

  6. Thank you Jen. I find myself going back to your blog somedays. Love and Hugs to you!